La Resignación de María (Cuento)

La Resignación de María (Cuento)

Ferien

This days have been crazy, it turns out that the fucking town where I work is in holidays, well it's not like a holiday and it's more like a big party around a place where bullfighting takes places, yeah but to me it's or actually it was free days.

Last wednesday it was a hard day, we all thought it was gonna be a free day as well, but it wasn't, so we had to spend all morning but the last hour doing things we were not actually prepared to do, and oh fuck I think I lost a book yesterday, damn! well coming back to wednesday we took the vehicle that took us to Sincelejo again, and yes I decided it was a good time to go to the movies. WRONG. the movie was an old movie and it was horrible, just imagine it was with Traci Lords and it wasn't porn, yes I totally wasted my day or well actually it was my night.

Next day, Thursday well not that bad, the morning was pretty much watching TV coz (oh soprise) there was no Internet at home for some reason I don't actually understand, the real action took place in the afternoon, but actually I'm not kinda proud bout I did Thursday afternoon, starting at midday, but I think is part of some kind of internal search and I don't know if I've found what I was looking for. I was invited to a party in Montería, and giving a look to my wallet I knew I wasn't going anywhere.

Next Day, Friday, I got an email from the "university" where I was attending for my postgraduated course, and although I never attended to my second semester and I totally paid for my first one, they send me a letter telling me "Oh man, you owe us money" coz I didn't warned them I was not coming back. Plz! Gimmie a break so I just went there to make things clear in the morning, and in the afternoon I came back and well I Warned them with a letter, in any case if I'd have to pay that would mean only I would have to go back to college, and that's not bad news either, the only bad news is well, I have to pay and I wanted to save some money, but what the hell. That night I went to movies again and it was Black Swan and I was keen to watch it, but wait, the line was HUGE maybe coz the fucking Justin Bieber movie, so I had to wait from 7 pm til 9:35 pm to watch Black Swan, so I had time to do something, and I did, fast, easy and no strings attached. Watched Black Swan and I loved it.

Next Day, Saturday, I started the day sending a second more explicative letter to the univerisity pointing pretty much that since I'm in the middle of the jungle I can't afford tickets semimonthly to attend classes, whenever they fuck say there are classes, so fuck U(niverisity). Well the afternoon was well less interesting a couple callings, and oh my phone seems to be dying already, so it seems I gotta get a new phone already, what else I did? well that was pretty much it until night, I decided I wanted to dance, to take a break and I did, first I was waiting for a friend, but they never showed up, so I was free, the first place I went was pretty much empty and since I was playing the fucking fool over there, I decided to skip, to the next one, and yes it was more crowded, but I was alone, until somebody showed up to help me, to save me, so hot, and then it was beers, dancing, and sweat, pretty much in time to go home and congratulate my mom for her birthday at 2 am in the morning. Today Sunday I've been updating my blogs. Not so much, right, but at least I'm taking a break which it's what I should be doing, coz tomorrow, yes tomorrow I have to go back.

UPDATE: There's a chance not tomorrow but next tuesday I'll be going but let's wait and see.

One Quarter

It really is the quarter of the year, and it is not easy to imagine that as much as we want the time to go by as fast as it can, because we wanna rest the weekend or maybe we want our vacations the sooner it's possible, or just because we're waiting a special date in the calender, but what we don't realize very well, or at least we seem to forget is that every single day is a unique chance, a wonderful gift, coz one day down it's one less to go, until (yes) the day we're leaving this world for good.

No matter if we believe in a heaven, in hell, reincarnation, or anything else about what happens to us after life, but the truth we know is we're here, sharing our life, and I'm kinda confused when I think what the fuck I should do with my life.

My culture (Colombian Caribbean) has taught me that life is worth living ONLY if we enjoy, the more we enjoy the better life is, but I've heard somewhere else, that wasting our bodies and life drinking, eating, and (yes) fucking, it's not the right way to go.

So here I am, confused, I think a life is worth living if you do what you like, I love enjoying my moments alone, love writting, love watching movies, love traveling, love taking pictures, and even when I'm doing those things everyday, there's nothing to stops me from doing it, even the responsabilities I got now.

So that's what I'm gonna do, keep enjoying my moments alone, keep writting, keep watching movies, keep travelling, keep taking pictures, and keep taking care of my duties, if only I could get paid from doing those things, but what the hell, not everybody got that chance, and it's not like I'm looking too much.

Well, by the way I wanna write about something very weird, there's somebody I thought was against me, for some reason, but lately I think this person is trying to get along with me, and I don't know what to expect, but, shit, it would be fucking awesome if I got the chance to...well...let's say it, to get laid, i got to do something but while ideas come to my mind, I got to look for a song to fit this post. lol

El Diploma

Mirando a través de las improvisadas cortinas, hechas con las sobras de un viejo mantel que tenía la niña Ada en uno de los antiguos baúles que proliferaban en aquella extraña casa, Leonel se dio cuenta que su día había empezado.

Tenía ya casi dos años como inquilino favorito de la casa de la niña Ada, quien era muy querida en el pueblo por haberse echado encima la carga de atender ella misma y casi sin ninguna ayuda a los contagiados de una extraña enfermedad traída por los sarnosos animales de un circo que nadie supo a ciencia cierta de donde vino y que por las urgencias de la peste que trajo, nadie tampoco supo cuándo ni por donde se fue.

La niña Ada nunca tuvo la necesidad de tener inquilinos en su casa, su esposo le había dejado además de tierras y ganado, suficiente dinero en sus cuentas como para vivir cómodamente, casi que exclusivamente de los intereses. Nunca se manejó muy bien con las labores del campo, de hecho detestaba el olor de la tierra, de la mierda de vaca y del fertilizante que su marido, el difunto Isaac Gallón, traía impregnado en la ropa todos los Domingos y que para colmo de males, ella tenía que lavar a mano, porque en aquella desgraciada época todavía no se habían inventado las lavadoras, y si se las habían inventado, Isaac Gallón no hubiese permitido que se comprara una en la casa, solo para patrocinar la pereza de su mujer.

Por eso a la primera oportunidad que tuvo, la niña Ada se desentendió de aquellas propiedades que solo le traían malos recuerdos. Las alquilaba a contratos de dos o tres años, siempre asesorada de Leonel que era el mejor amigo de su hijo desde la Universidad y a quien ella misma trajo desde Barranquilla para que trabajara en la Alcaldía.

Los primeros años Leonel venía una o dos veces al mes por un par de días siempre recibido en la hospitalidad de la casa de la niña Ada, pero a medida que su talento se imponía y era evidente que las cosas funcionaban mucho mejor cuando él estaba al frente, el último alcalde decidió darle un empleo fijo, donde prácticamente era él quien manejaba los destino de aquel “pueblo de maricas” como a veces le escuchaba decir cuando hablaba por el teléfono celular.

-No muerdas la mano de quien te da de comer- le repetía la niña Ada cuando lo escuchaba.

Habiendo nacido y crecido en ese lugar, la niña Ada sabía perfectamente la índole perversa de los lugareños, su nivel de intolerancia y sus malos corazones, por eso nunca recibía inquilinos del mismo pueblo y por eso mismo, no había traído nuevos inquilinos a su casa hacía ya cuatro meses.

Leonel se sentía solo y aburrido, incluso con la enorme cantidad de trabajo que tenía de día, tratando de embotar su mente en el mar sin límites de la Internet y sobre todo repasando día tras día las fotografías de sus días en la Universidad o en Barranquilla, cuando trabajó en una fundación donde ayudaba a personas de escasos recursos o sencillamente las fotos del último fin de semana cuando fue a Sincelejo o a Coveñas. Luego de hacer todo eso casi que religiosamente día tras día y noche tras noche, Leonel se encontraba a las 2 de la mañana pensando en la forma más rápida de salir de aquel moridero que no le permitía ser quien él era.

Era todo. Aceptó el trabajo para el que lo recomendó el alcalde anterior, porque luego de haber trabajado a destajo por casi cinco años y habiendo adquirido responsabilidades económicas serias cuando trabajó en la fundación creada por el mismo, tratando de salvar el mundo, no le quedaba de otra que sucumbir a la tentación de ganar todo el dinero que significaba ser la ficha clave del alcalde, el que manejaba los hilos de aquel pueblo lleno de rumores y secretos a voces.

TERMINALO DE LEER EN http://goo.gl/P3sCp

El Diploma (Cuento Corto)

El Diploma

El Reino de La Big Cola

El Reino de La Big Cola

Genug

Yes, it is enough, fucking enough, after I've been trying to help and trying to be better enough, now I'm the bad guy.

I have to recognize I have issues when I look like the bad guy, I don't wanna be a villain, I don't wanna be unfair, but I think I wasn't unfair, I was extremely fair, maybe I failed trying to explain why things happened the way it happened.

But I'm hurt, after sacrificing part of my salary, my time and my patience, the only thing I get back is anger against me, no that's not the way it works, I'm sorry.

I don't even have words enough to explain the way I feel. I don't.

I try to keep my mind busy enough to stop thinking about how comfortable could be living away from here, but it gets me headache, and also the viruses around, are cruel and mean, and I suspect they may come for me next week.

I'm bringing a psychologist in order to help those kids, because I'm afraid they're suffering the same virus the other kids were doing, envy, they feel envy they can't understand other people may progress, they wanna see other people down, and they´re happy about it, and I don't understand how they can feel the way they do, it's horrible that they're so young, I have to get somebody to help them. But I don't know if they deserve that. Maybe they do, maybe they don't.

Meanwhile this week is fading away and I'm gonna take chances, maybe tomorrow, but I'm scared, that's one of my biggest issues, I'm afraid to be exposed, to get gurt, to allow me feel nice, so I have to explore my inside so I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Exhausted

Tal como me lo imagine, el día de hoy fue extremadamente largo, pero yo se exactamente porque sucede eso, porque me quiero ir, me quiero ir rápido y cada minuto es más largo que el otro y así cada hora parece un día, y pensar que faltan 4 días más igualitos a este, y sobre todo, mucho trabajo por las tardes, no me quejo del trabajo aunque definitivamente voy a quedar exhausto, pero ya que carajos, de pronto hay algo que pueda hacer bien, ya esto representa una cuarta parte de todo el trabajo que debería hacer durante todo el año.

Va uno, faltan tres, igual de largos, igual de extenuantes, igual de locos, de intensos, igual de fuertes, igual de desmotivadores, igual, pero ¿que puedo hacer para mejorar? aveces pareciera que no fuera capaz de continuar que cada día es una intensa y horrible lucha, cada día es igual.

Bueno mientras se carga el computador y mientras estoy aquí solo viendo que todos se fueron, no me queda más que esperar, en todos los sentidos, esperar el próximo fin de semana, el próximo mes, la semana santa, las vacaciones y todo para que al final quede yo, un año más viejo con menos motivación, menos logros, más estancado, más aburrido, menos comprometido, menos, menos, menos.

Aveces quisiera volar y salir lejos de aquí y mandar todo para la mierda, y mandar a todos a que coman mierda, pero no hay nada en mi, no soy un ser explosivo, mis frustraciones no se traducen en violencia, se traducen en hermetismo agresivo, no soy tan difícil de deducir, soy alguien con una personalidad y unos gustos definidos, y quien me quiera debe quererme así tal como soy sin cambiarme nada.

Anoche conversando con alguien del pasado, me insinuó que debiamos reencontrarnos de modo romántico, aunque hubiese sido fácil aparentar que siento algo, no me nace mentir y pretender que siento algo que no se, yo se que muchos consiguen de todo mintiendo, siendo amables con quien no se lo merece, pero yo no soy así, si algo me molesta lo digo y ya, y lo peor del cuento es que esta personita viene y me dice que ya vive con alguien más y tras de eso pretendía que yo aceptara que viniera acá conmigo, pero no quiero vivir en medio de relaciones que no me llenan , por dentro, aunque podrían llenarme por fuera. Lo lamento, pero, no soy de los que piensa que debe dar todo, al menos no espiritualmente, debo reservarme algo y no voy a ser la mascota de alguien solo porque tenga dinero, lo siento muchísimo pero no lo voy a hacer y menos si es alguien que está dañado y drogado con antidepresivos.

Alguien que toma antidepresivos no muestra su verdadera cara, solo una cara que está llena de químicos dañinos que enmascaran su frustración y su verdadero estado, ¿quiero alguien así a mi lado? no, al menos no en este momento, puede parecer duro lo que digo pero así es la realidad y no pienso callarme solo por miedo de que otros sepan la manera que pienso. Espero haber desechado toda esa basura mental que aveces corroe mi mente y me vuelve aún más perezoso.

Countdown

I need to get out of here! yes, this is what I need to do and what I need to do now, but it's gonna take a whole week before I can take off, for a few days from this fucking jungle that got me sick and tired, but before all that I gotta do a lot of things more and it's hardcore stuff, I will have to deal with some parents, most of them skilled teachers and I'm afraid I can't deal with them, and I will have to talk about a lot of issues and situations with the kids. But that's almost the last thing so I will have to have a script or something to be able to talk in that meeting.

Second, painting the room, yes I have to paint the room, but not my bedroom but the room where I'm supposed to work, and it's like 50 bucks I'm spending there to finish it, God but well I got this coming, coz I was the first one, I decided to be in charge of those kids, so now I'm their older bro, coz I don't wanna think I'm their father.

It's gonna be one quarter of the time I'm supposed to work in here, this year at least, so I have to make a report this Friday, it's gonna be long and hard work, but I think I can take it, I hope nothing like the electricity fails, coz yes, today there was no electricity in this fucking town, no internet, no electricity and no phones, although the company with no lines was Comcel, and I have a Tigo line, the rest of this town uses Comcel, so I couldn't find the guy to do the painting in the room, and finally my battery was exhausted, I couldn't do anything.

And again thanks to my ability in english, I got this modem to use it all night long, but well tomorrow is a new day and it's another day, I have to wait and see what's coming tomorrow.

Another Week To Come

Sigh! It's very, very hard to me staying here for another week, but it's not because of the town itself it's because of the chance of leaving for a few days, but leaving to stay home for a few days, and the chance of having a new adventure at home, or simply just staying in the computer blogging, watching videos or listening music. And it's exactly when those days are about to come when I feel more anxious to get there, and the days goes by so fucking slowly that the seconds seem minutes, and the minutes hours, and the hours days, and the days weeks and the weeks, months, yes that long it feels.

Well I was about to paint the room I'm taking care of but oh surprise, the painting wasn't the right one, and even the guy who was painting the place didn't show up, so it seems the room is gonna be paintless another week more, depending on what's gonna happen tomorrow, and I really, really hope so tomorrow is gonna be a really soft day, and not a hard one, because I'm not in the mood to care that much tomorrow, I've been lazy, and my support to create the guide to work won't be here so I'm gonna be on my own, pretty much.

And in other completely different news, I just watched a tv show about Russia, definitely one place to go before I die, I'd really like to go there one day and see with my own eyes the snow, the forests, feel the cool with my own skin, I really like cold places, and I do want to live for a long term in a cold place, now it's like impossible to do it, but maybe sooner than I think I'm gonna be free to do it, and about the visa, well that leaves me with no options. But you never know, life is kinda tricky you know, and things never happen the way we expect, so I have to wait and see how the things go.

Nothing is eternal, I have to say, maybe we have a job today, a life, a room, but next one we may be going somewhere else, and maybe like is more interesting that way, if things were eternal, every decision would be a   chain we had to carry forever. That's why I think life is more interesting when we're unsure of about to come, but on the other hand, being so quiet as I am, I don't go for it. Maybe I'm lucky to be here, even when things seem to go hard and horrible somedays, but what comforts me is the fact I'm not hurting me.

It's time to make some choices, and that's why I need my free days at home, to think and to do, but we have to wait and see first.

The Price of Responsability

How high is the price we have to pay for the decisions we make, days, months or even years ago? I'm afraid the price is very high. Every decision we make no matter how long it's taking or how big is the impact upon us, there will be consequences.

A couple months ago I decided I was gonna be responsable for  a team of people, well I was actually trying to avoid another more dangerous responsability, more unlikely to fulfill, but now I got to say it wasn't a good idea after all, having in mind I could get no responsability at all. But for some reason I took care of them, and it's weird I got so many issues to fall for someone when it's kinda easy for me to care about some children I'm not related to, or even more, that they are not so kind to me often. But it happened to me before, I feel I'm like a big brother to them, I don't wanna say a father, couse I'm not that old, I'm young, and well I think we are in the same page, we have to deal things together, even when they don't want me in that page. Because yes, they don't want me that much, maybe I'm not skilled enough to deal with them, but I do want to try to be their friend, it's so fucking weird I feel that way, when I'm not that friendly.

Well, thing is I'm gonna have to cover their asses, and mine as well, for something we together were supposed to do weeks, or months ago. Well it's not just about money, it's about time, but as I said before, I think it's not that negative for me and the people around for me to stay here for a while, just another weekend as usual.

And yes, I'm gonna have time to tweet, to blog, to be free, but here in this town, where I'm suposed to spend most of the fucking year. So tomorrow is gonna be a new day, and tonight a whole new night for me, just for me. At the end of the day, me and just me is what really matters to me now. But I gotta have in my heart that I feel kind of kind with some people I'm not supposed to care at all, well let's see how the changes go on, and let's see if I can handle to be here, to stay here for longer, or if I have some chances somewhere else.

Crazy (Fucking) Week

Esta semana ha sido bastante extraña por decir lo menos, he estado inundado de pereza, de desencanto, de letargo, de ganas de dejarlo todo y mandar todo al infierno, tanto así que he decidido escribir este post en castellano y no en inglés como dictaría la lógica de mi blog.

La cuestión es la siguiente: ¿que tan frecuentemente debería salir de este selvático lugar e ir a mi casa con mi familia, y a mi ciudad? habiendo estado cuatro semanas que no fueron malas, ni más faltaba, me parecía mas bien excesivo, una especie de lujo innecesario, ir a Sincelejo, pero me he dado cuenta que no es mucho lo que voy a hacer allá, además de gastar dinero, casi que ciegamente.

Pero hay un coletazo adicional: mi motivación y mis ganas de quedarme aquí se desvanecen casi que por completo, ya me estaba haciendo a la idea de quedarme aquí por tiempos prolongados, y tal vez por eso creía estar haciendo bien mi trabajo, pero una vez que estoy aquí luego de haber permanecida menos de 100 horas en Sincelejo, son mucho más fuertes las ganas de mandarlo todo al infierno, que las ganas de hacer las cosas bien, se pierde la motivación, lo lógica, las herramientas, pierdo mi energía, pero todo eso podría ser resultado simplemente de que he dejado de ir a hacer ejercicio, ya que cuando lo hacía parecía tener mucha más energía mucha mas entrega. Ahora no sé, me parece a mi que estoy haciendolo todo mal, o al menos no tan bien, como yo mismo debo esperar.

Si fuera otro mas tonto diría, que mi mente esta embotada, (como lo he sentido otra veces) con cosas superficiales, música, internet, televisión, todo menos la razón por la que estoy aquí y por la que debería estar luchando cada segundo, porque debo decir que estoy consciente que mis prioridades, no son las mismas que las de mis compañeros, y que no debería ser así, porque también estoy consciente que mis prioridades están en un orden imposible, estupido, incoherente y autodestructivo. ¿Es mi bioquímica la culpable de mis errores? No lo creo, porque al momento final, soy yo quien tomo mis decisiones y no los procesos electro químicos que tienen lugar en mi cerebro, que revelan mi parte animal, y no mi parte humana.

Error, tras error esta semana, casi igual que el año pasado, muchos errores, quiero no cometer errores, quiero avanzar, pero lo cierto es que quiero ONE WEEK OFF, y esa al final de cuentas es la maldita razón, pero debo acostumbrarme que no puedo descansar cuando me de la hijueputa gana, porque al fin de cuentas eso significa darle herramientas a mis enemigos para que me ataquen, debo dejar la "pingarria" la pereza, la flojera, dar un paso adelante y ser mejor que todo, incluso de las cosas que debo hacer para vivir. Esto no es más na´.

The Next Step To Follow

I've been alone for a while, a long while and I don't know if somehow I'm meant to be with somebody, somebody to be with me supporting me, but for some reason I think that I'm good, when they know me first, but once they get to know me, it seems they don't like me anymore. Now I'm dating someone, very weird I gotta say, not in a bad sense, weird in a way that it's someone who doesn't follow the same rules when trying to find someone to date.

Last weekend we were together spending time in a kinda risky situation...this weekend we both are here in this town. Yesterday I left after midday, I was expecting the travel, long travel from the jungle, dust, mud, water, and then rain, the rain is coming very early when it usually comes at mid april or something, it's march and it's starting to rain almost everyday. We were afraid that the rain might fuck up the travel, but it didn´t.

Some of the guys who were with me in the car are kinda funny, I wish I was so outgoing. Then after 5 hours maybe more, I got here, this house, where I'm so happy so easy, where I can find myself, away from the jungle and the consequences of being living there. It's like I never left, I was in the motorbike watching the houses and the businesses and nothing feels different, everything feels the same.

Then I wanted to update my cellphone, but I couldn't so I decided to go to the mall and watching a movie, with my date, so we were, mistake number one, the movie sucked, sanctum, please, mistake number two, we didn't have a plan to be together that night. I like being in this house sleeping here, I didn´t want to be away from here, you know?

So no plans to fuck, no plans for the night, I wasn't in the mood for beer or alcohol, so what was next? go back home to sleep, so then I woke up this morning, I did some laundry and finally I could update my phone, it was like discovering America, I learnt a lot of things, and I got the app I was looking for my phone, though I want to change it, a change for an Android, the only bad thing is no PIN :( I was getting used to it.

About my friend, he accepted me back on BBMsn, I congratulated him for his graduation, but I understand he doesn't wanna see me yet, but I wanna insist, maybe someday we can talk together, and made things up.

I got some of the stuff I needed, and again it's like money was an illusion but I gotta keep on with it. maybe saving some, maybe making a plan, but I want some things I need, though I know those things won't make me happy, experiences are, and being in the jungle itself is an experience, the only thing is I want to be able to fit better, and do my job better, last week there was my enemy trying to throw the dirt on me, he's powerful, it's gonna be hard, almost impossible to beat him, but let's see what's coming.

And again it's interesting how some people want to contact you just because you have something they may use, but I´ve grown up and I'm not the same, I think that the boy and the teenager are behind, it's time to be a man.

Fake

It's gonna be a year since the first time I got here, and somehow I managed to complain for every little thing here, maybe. But somehow I haven't managed to admit that there are good things, benefits for being here, and now that there's a big chance that somehow I get removed, it's when I'm scared the most.

At least being here allows me to grow up, to be independent, and if I get home to my parents's house I'm gonna be again totally dependent on them, and I don't want to.

Maybe I shouldn't had done some things, that I wasn't supposed to do, and maybe I wasn't here, maybe I was closer to home and less scared, not afraid of actions from my past.

Then it's gonna be a shame if I'm removed from here, and the whispering behind, because that whispering from another town is what got me scared, 8 people got removed somewhere else, and then I don't know if I'm gonna like being removed from here, coz at least here I got some good things, I could be worst.

Why is good being in Sincelejo with no money? I'm not exactly happy here, but I'm kinda peaceful enough, there's no noise, no pressures, no people with absurde expectations of life, life is harder, but at the same time, easier to live, so I have no option but wait and see, if I have to come back to Sincelejo with shame on me, or staying here, kinda unhappy but safe.

I just have to wait and see.