Gone

There are times in our lives when we need to take important decisions...important choices, last friday I had to do it, and I did.

Maybe it was risky, dangerous, but having in mind that everybody talks about me, I think most of the damage is already done, so what else could happen if I just do exactly what people thinks I'm doing anyway?

I don't know, maybe I was thinking clearly, I had to think pretty much about what were the options, leaving this town, to another one just because I was horny...I wasn't thinking with my fucking head, I was thinking with my fucking dick...

To me it was a surprise going to that town, and find it was so peaceful and clean, so fucking different from this town where the garbage and the chaos is everywhere, that town made me think it could be maybe a good idea to get a motorbike and going live there, even though my life there was not gonna be a perfect and beautiful life, at least I could keep my privacy, my life, the way I wanna live it.

I'd wish my work and my life would depend just from my talent and my knowledge and not from the way other people thinks about me, but that's the way it goes...it was not a perfect strategy of hidding, I made mistakes, people saw us, yes, but what can I do? Tomorrow is gonna be a hard day, maybe I'm gonna be exposed, and laughing, pointing, whispering is gonna be what everyday is gonna bring, then I have no option but running away from this dusty town, and then it's gonna be me, only me and my talent what make the difference, but at the end of the day it's fear what defines me, and what I am. I've become fear.

The Monster is Back

Yes, the monster I was afraid to face, since I got news a couple of weeks ago is back.

The question is...am I strong enough to face it, and more, am I strong enough to defeat it? I can't say what's gonna happen but at least like the myth of Saint George I'm gonna fight and I'm gonna fight harder...every single day to stop the monster to attack me and burn me...I know it's strong and I got no weapons, or at least not good quality weapons to face them, yes because this monster got a lot of heads, but I'm gonna fuck it, destroy them, tear it into pieces, no matter if in the process I end up hurt too...they think they got the power to kill me, but let's see, maybe they're right but maybe just maybe they're wrong. Things are getting complicated by the day and it's just a month after all this purgatory started again.

The temptation is gone, this morning left and now I hope to be easier at home, it' hard getting along with people not related to you, more when to me my family is now like a fading memory by the day and it's just two weeks since I was with them. I wanna talk with my former friend but I don't know what to do...telling the truth would help us or definitely destroy us, and keep lying, I don't wanna lie, problem is it's not my secret anymore...it's shared with somebody else, so I don't know what I should do.

I hope that at least the poisoned water and food over here keep taking my health down, coz that is gonna be a problem....well.

Changing Paradox

Yes, I'm changing, these days I feel like I wasn't the same guy I used to be...and this is town is doing it, slowly, progressively, step by step, and I'm not sure if that's for good or for bad, I wanna be just a normal and regular man, an ordinary person, but on the other hand I want to travel to know new places, I want people to know what I think and there's a serious contradiction there, but suddenly all that belongs to the past...I got things to think about, responsabilities and I do want to take them, but maybe I'm just another Mamma's boy...

My mom tried to made my sister and I to take responsability for us, but when the dynamics of our family was changing dramatically when, well that's not something I wanna talk about, but there was too little for us to do, and she took extreme care of us, when we just could take care of everything, me being sick with kidney stones made things worst (or better some may think) in that moment I wanted to be protected but nobody could understand what I was suffering, maybe just mom, she was there with me all the time, by my bed, taking care of me, and I have to say if I were alone so fucking alone there, probably I'd be dead now...

But now I think it's my time to make my choices, to be me, to feel fucking free, and it's like my feet were stuck somewhere, coz I know if something happens to me NOBODY besides my family would come to save me, to protect me, what's the next step, what should I do, I need them, but I need them away I want to be protected, but I wanna be free, free like a bird.

It's a fucking paradox, and now I should be sleeping, to rest these weekends hadn't been really good to rest, and I need to sleep, I want to sleep, so I need my head to be clean and focused, that's gonna be the next step, and the anstinence that doesn't help at all... damn.

Alcohol, Roads and Scary Stories

Yes, I'm gonna talk about alcohol, coz yesterday I was just so fucking thirsty that I just wanted a cool and icy beer, and oh sorprise I got caught in the middle of a reunion and they offered me beer and alcohol, just for free, so when it was time for lunch I could scape...barely...but that wasn't all, yesterday was one of the ladies of the house's birthday and so everybody was expecting a night party... I wanted to workout and I couldn't the drinks got me and  I had to come back, just ready for the party, I tried to delay but it was absolutely impossible, I had to be there, and yes I was bored, I laughed coz you now drinks tell you're brain is happy but for some reason my brain refused to believe it, just abut three hours later I went to my bed to sleep, and I prevent my room to be opened from outside, smart hah?

Well, today was another day and there was bad news, no modem, I was gonna spend a boring day, but thanks to the sister of the birthday lady I got a modem, and I could use it all morning long, and write something for my blog, now I've been away from home for two fucking weeks and there are two more to go now, the land road was reopened and it's gonna be a little bit cheaper traveling, but I had no patience and I spent my money at the begining of the month and here I am, I'm coming back home in March, and the worst news is the water is getting me again, I can't believe pain again...I hate pain.

And the last...scary stories it seems the flocklore here is very rich, lots of stories of witches, ghost, and mixed with guerrilla and haunted houses...it's not hard to have an idea...and to finish drinking is not good if you want to workout, today I couldn't finish properly...just to have in mind...and now I'm hearing a kid have a heartache, well 3 minutes to go.

Zauberspruch

Maldiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiita sea, aveces pienso que soy el tipo más idiota estúpido y además de todo ignorante de todo el mundo. Tal como me dijo mi mamá alguna vez "un tipo que ha estudiado tanto como tu, como puede ser tan bruto", bueno en esa ocasión creo que tenía mucha razón en sentirse así...pero volviendo al tema, la cuestión es ¿por qué soy tan bruto?

Si, only a motherfucker idiot may possible think that levantarse con el pie derecho hará mejor que tu día than doing it with the left foot, Ja, it sounds stupid, o solamente es que yo soy muy tonto, pero si soy así, me siento peor que María Cecilia Botero, con toda esa sarta de estupideces que hace cuando inicia un proyecto de acuerdo a los chismosos de sweet. Cada cosa que hago o dejo de hacer parece que estuviera ligada al hecho de que me va a ir bien o me va a ir mal al día siguiente.

Sometimes it's like, you know just writting in my fucking blog may bring me bad luck, or well, working very early in the morning brings me real good luck, yes, that's me and I´m that stupid, or thinking once, that reading the Bible brings me bad luck and stop reading it brings me brand new good luck....please, it's like my mind is infected with a lot of crap, if only I could delete all those bites of useless information, if only, I don´t know if I'm a fucking lucky man, or what but, like everybody else in the world, I like good things happening to me, and when I realize that having sex or not having sex is making my days worst or better, then is when I think I need help.

I might sound crazy but that´s what I am, I think too much, I have tons of free time, wait no, I have tons of time I should invest in making my work best, and maybe that little things are what making my days worst or better, not the simple facts that sleeping with my head south or north-oriented, and also I need to have an spiritual connection, and it seems that sometimes work. I've learned as a child that supersticions are something evil, if only I could get rid of them I would be happier, easier. I need to stop, well at least is not drugs like some of my former twitter friends I talked about in a previous post, and other news, it seems my friend got a weird interest in getting his former lover back, he forgave, but not me, well the hell, the fuck with him, he never was my friend, and actually I never thought it was gonna last, that seudo-friendship we used to have, again, after talking about luck and former friends I'm hungry and well I have to go.

Wow!

(To somebody I like)

Wow, now it feels like OMG I'm a fucking teenager all over again, I hadn't felt this way in like what, 12 years? yes it's like I'm a teen again, when I was fourteen I fell for someone, I never felt that way before, I just couldn't stop seeing and yes it was useful for mental fuel, a lot of nights, once I got to touch, and it was amazing, all my heart beat and yes I wanted it, my hormons wanted me to do it, but I was completely sure nothing was gonna happen, it was absolutely impossible, just like now.

I'm on my way to my 30s with no way back, but feeling this it's like OMG this is what I want to feel, this presure, this urgency, this need, this is what I need to feel, this what makes me feel alive, the desire, just to watch is better than anything else, if only I could have this, and satisfy my hunger. but there's no way. It's too dangerous , but sometimes I feel it worths the risk, any risk, God it's like wanting to eat, drink and breathe someone, everything at the same time. And abstinence doesn't help. If only I could, if only I'd know. But everything is in the dark, I just want to know, just wanna have one more chance, a second, a minute, an hour, where and when it all will be sweat, but fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk it's not posible.

At least I can dream, and in my thoughts you've done all that I want and more, you're not perfect or gorgeous, but God you're so sex, so fucking sex, the one who invented that word was thinking about you, damn it, God,  it's exciting just remember you, at least I know you're leaving anytime soon, and you have no fucking idea I'm lurking ya, and that everything in me is touched when I see you. Feeling like a teenager, but now I'm an adult, a man, and I know what's the next step and if only, if only you could gimmie a sign, just one I'll go for it. Trust me.

Meanwhile, you're gonna be with me, at night even when you don't realize you're actually there.

Samstag, So So Boring and other stuff

This has been the weirdest day of the year so far, starting with the fact I was sleeping so well at 1:30 am when the witch's face woke me up (not exactly when september ended) so I could open the door to the highlander who is living in the house, yes that's the way my Samstag started... some tweeting (as usual) and then in the early morning, I found the notice that one friend of the house (whose name is just like mine) was sick last night with some kind of heart afection, and he's so fucking young.

Well, I wanted this day to be an all-over online day, and I could find the fucking modem, and plus I had to stay with the guy in the hospital like two hours and now I'm in this "cyber-cafe" where there's nothing but noise, horrible people with horrible voices yelling, and I want to write and this way I can't write anything good you know.

I got some ideas for my wordpress blog and also for this blog as well, but I'm not focused, something's wrong, yesterday or the day before I deleted a complete post, it`s like I`m losing my touch, am I? that would be horrible, this is the only thing I like to do, wrtting is kinda of the best thing ever for me...and what about if I can't write, like my imagination was fading, maybe is my enemy, they're sucking my energy slowly as I adapt and stopped fighting and being part of it...and I DO NOT want to, well that's it for now, it's impossible keep writting with this noise.

Every Single Day...

Every single day in this place looks exactly the same: waking up very early in the morning, gotta take my soap and my stuff to take a "shower" while it's still dark, I say "Good Morning" to the landlady and then I start thinking about how the hell I got here, meaning fuck, I was abroad when it turned out I had to be working here, then I try to clean the dirty I got in the night.

Then, I go to my room, where I dress up, I see all my clothes hanging from a rope, and it loosk like my life is so tiny that it´s  in that small and simple room, with no luxury, and that´s just me, brushing and washing my teeth, but I´m not sure why I should be taking care of me, I don´t wanna look hot in here, it´s maybe I had so nice things to do, that begging that my toothpaste and my washing can actually get whiter can actually being something real cool.

I´m dressed up and then I have to go for breakfast, it´s a simple food, and as usual, when I´m done having my breakfast I have to go...then I´m walking in the street, 4 blocks to the place I have to spend 6 hours, it doesn't look like that much, when you´re going to stand people, and not to work in something you may like, it looks like you´re going down to hell, when I get the door, I remember the first time I got here, I was happy, I had hope, it wasn´t that horrible then, I had something to lie on, something to be faithful to, I had a life, back there where somebody was there for me, ready to do whatever to have with them.

I walk inside and then, it´s usual laugh and pain, both sides, but tha laugh is like there´s nothing else to do but laugh, just go for it, and then facing what I don´t wanna face, but it´s not that I might not like doing what I do, it´s just some of them are so reluctant to grow...that it gets me, it hurts me, it fucking drains my energy and my will.
And, for instance...given the fact I´m gonna stay here for a month is not helping, every single time I want to feel kinda good I have to go to Sincelejo because here, here there´s absolutely nothing I might like, it´s so fucking far away from everywhere, that it´s not like I want to be there all the time, and I wanna run even though it´s gonna be a hard and long way...maybe someday I´d like to run it by foot, lol, maybe it´s not that hard or not that long.

If things were so easy...when I leave this place, I have like 30 or 45 minutes to be online, and then go back to have my lunch, and then it´s work, work, work, or working out, and it sucks my energy in every possible way but somehow I know it´s good to me...then back to dinner, watching some TV, maybe listening music, then more work and finally when I go back to my hammock, I´m thinking the day is going to repeat all over and over again, and that maybe I´m not gonna have the energy to hold on...or maybe, just maybe I am.

Drei Dinge

Yes, there are three things I can´t stop thinking about lately:

1) This place and a prison is exactly the same, lately:

Wow, when I got here I came in a motorcycle and I spent like three hours in this place before I left for Sincelejo, the road was easy, but lately, fuck it´s like I´m in a place like alcatraz, I had to spend  almost the 20% of my salary only in transportation, it´s not fair, the land road is horrible, and dusty and no cars can run through it, so I decided taking chances and take that road last Friday, it wasn´t great but I could take it with absolutely no problem, no everybody is talking about the cars are going to be able to take the road, but I´m not that optimistic, no I´m not..

2) I have to see the motherfuckings again:

Yes my enemy number one in this town, which is not a single person, but a bunch of people, they´re back to screw my sort of quietness in this town, I really hate this but at least I got a plan and I think (while I´m writting this) I´m gonna do something real fast to finish this, or at least to fucking reduce them, I have to act fast and now...I think I will have to work twice harder now, it´s good I think, but God it´s fucking hard to think about it over and over and over again, now that this year seems to be LESS horrible than last year, what should I do? I got some plans to think about....

3) The way my feelings work:

Sometimes I´m afraid my feelings are kind of weird, yes, because for instance I lost somebody I had in great esteem lately he decided ending our friendship because he think he´s morally superior to me, please, I don´t need to be praying every single day of my life in a church in front of a golden icon so I can be easy....it seems he´s that fucking issued...having in mind he´s NOT that innocent, he´s not and if he decided that´s the way it goes it´s ok to me...that´s the same thing that happens when I fall for someone and suddenly things stop working, yes it hurts one or maybe two days but then I´m ok again, I stop feeling pain, and even when I see things with longing, it´s not pain, so I have to say goodbye to him, I don´t know if we have something to do together in the future...but it´s not my fucking problem, I´m gonna let it to life... and I´m not gonna fight it.

This is the end of the world...(as we know it)

Como siempre, algo malo sucede, justo cuando solo quería relajarme y descansar. Getting away from the fucking jungle I'm stuck in, pero no resultó tal y como yo esperaba. I got here yesterday after hours traveling, first through a dusty and destroyed road and then waiting in the slowest high road ever, and when I got here, well I decided to go out, and fuck I got a punch in my mouth...accidentally I got to say...but the worst is that it didn't worth at all.

I went to sleep frustrated, not even here in the land I'm supposed to be happy, to be comfortable, things go wrong, so maybe it's not where I am, maybe it's me, I am the wrong thing, I am screwing things around, everytime. Am I? Am I that horrible, that stupid, that jerk?

But well Saturday didn't turn out that well either...the morning I had to play the messenger again, messenger for the jungle people, (yes, I had to spend lots of money to get the hell out of there) and I wanted to do some plans for the evening, but fuck, that didn't go that well either, I went for lunch and some drinks for my best friend's love interest, it was a very bad idea, but things seemed to be great so far, and then at the end of the night, I was a betrayer and a liar, I don't wanna talk about details, but if I'm a betrayer and liar, I have to say that that one free of sins, throw the first stone, I'm sure my former best friend is NOT free of sins and now he's staring at me as big big liar, the worst thing ever, C'mon. I tried to convince him NOTHING bad happened but he doesn't wanna hear, he doesn't wanna listen, and I'm done with going after him attempting to explain, at least he should remember the wrong things he's done...but the fuck with him, it's so sad, he's actually the only friend I ever had, the only real friend, real,  I mean nobody else had been there for me just like he's been, but even when it hurts, I'm not gonna take that weight on my shoulders, if he doesn't wanna see me again for some kind of missunderstanding, the fuck with him, the fuck with everybody else, anyway in the jungle I'm alone and nobody's there to support me... but it hurts, it hurts a lot, losing my best and only friend, I don't want to lose his friendship, but all came down to this, and at least for now, I gotta leave things this way, Good News? He's still my "facebook" friend, but that's not gonna last, if only he could listen to me, if only I could talk to him, I wanna talk to him and fix things, but again he doesn't wanna listen.

Now I'm on my way to hell again, I just wanna say I'm sorry if I did something wrong, I'm sorry, but it's not the fucking case, I want to be heard, just a simple mistake, wanting to be in company, coz I hate being alone, but I didn't do anything wrong, I just want him to listen...but the world is not a perfect place and here I am. Now I am the betrayer and liar, two names more for my resume of horrible things I am.

The Stones of Pain

It´s been a while since the last time I was in pain coz of damn kidney stones, yes I had kidney stones and it was too painful, very painful, two years in a roll where I was scared that maybe too much excersise, too much quietness, too much water, too much thirst, too much food, too much hunger may bring the fucking pain back. One guy I met several months ago, allowed me to see the records from the hospital I used to go when I was suffering too much, and it was 23 times plus another one in another hospital. To summarize I was about one time a month going to the E.R. so somebody could help me to stop that motherfucker pain, an indescriptible and excruciating pain, one time it lasted more that 24 hours.

So much pain, cruel and excruciating, it was draining my energy and will to go on, I had to quit one job one time because of that fucking pain, and I have to say, the only one who was there to support me was my dad, thank God he did it, because I wasn´t willing to go on or move being in risk of getting the pain any moment, anywhere.

Thanks to my Dad, he paid the surgery, I got the stone out and now, well I´m fine but shit, I know that my body suffering two years, there must be scars inside, I don´t know if my kidneys are working that great, or it´s just my mind playing games, but I feel sometimes I lost something, something I'm gonna need when I´m older, but at least now I´m painless. And that´s why I´m willing to accept that my life as it is now, it´s not that bad, after all and I have to thank God and my family for being there to support me, and it´s true I love them, and I just don´t know or I don´t understand what´s the best way to show them. It´s a long way to go now.