El Diploma, Cuento (Completo)

Mirando a través de las improvisadas cortinas, hechas con las sobras de un viejo mantel que tenía la niña Ada en uno de los antiguos baúles que proliferaban en aquella extraña casa, Leonel se dio cuenta que su día había empezado.

Tenía ya casi dos años como inquilino favorito de la casa de la niña Ada, quien era muy querida en el pueblo por haberse echado encima la carga de atender ella misma y casi sin ninguna ayuda a los contagiados de una extraña enfermedad traída por los sarnosos animales de un circo que nadie supo a ciencia cierta de donde vino y que por las urgencias de la peste que trajo, nadie tampoco supo cuándo ni por donde se fue.

La niña Ada nunca tuvo la necesidad de tener inquilinos en su casa, su esposo le había dejado además de tierras y ganado, suficiente dinero en sus cuentas como para vivir cómodamente, casi que exclusivamente de los intereses. Nunca se manejó muy bien con las labores del campo, de hecho detestaba el olor de la tierra, de la mierda de vaca y del fertilizante que su marido, el difunto Isaac Gallón, traía impregnado en la ropa todos los Domingos y que para colmo de males, ella tenía que lavar a mano, porque en aquella desgraciada época todavía no se habían inventado las lavadoras, y si se las habían inventado, Isaac Gallón no hubiese permitido que se comprara una en la casa, solo para patrocinar la pereza de su mujer.

Por eso a la primera oportunidad que tuvo, la niña Ada se desentendió de aquellas propiedades que solo le traían malos recuerdos. Las alquilaba a contratos de dos o tres años, siempre asesorada de Leonel que era el mejor amigo de su hijo desde la Universidad y a quien ella misma trajo desde Barranquilla para que trabajara en la Alcaldía.

Los primeros años Leonel venía una o dos veces al mes por un par de días siempre recibido en la hospitalidad de la casa de la niña Ada, pero a medida que su talento se imponía y era evidente que las cosas funcionaban mucho mejor cuando él estaba al frente, el último alcalde decidió darle un empleo fijo, donde prácticamente era él quien manejaba los destino de aquel “pueblo de maricas” como a veces le escuchaba decir cuando hablaba por el teléfono celular.

-No muerdas la mano de quien te da de comer- le repetía la niña Ada cuando lo escuchaba.

Habiendo nacido y crecido en ese lugar, la niña Ada sabía perfectamente la índole perversa de los lugareños, su nivel de intolerancia y sus malos corazones, por eso nunca recibía inquilinos del mismo pueblo y por eso mismo, no había traído nuevos inquilinos a su casa hacía ya cuatro meses.

Leonel se sentía solo y aburrido, incluso con la enorme cantidad de trabajo que tenía de día, tratando de embotar su mente en el mar sin límites de la Internet y sobre todo repasando día tras día las fotografías de sus días en la Universidad o en Barranquilla, cuando trabajó en una fundación donde ayudaba a personas de escasos recursos o sencillamente las fotos del último fin de semana cuando fue a Sincelejo o a Coveñas. Luego de hacer todo eso casi que religiosamente día tras día y noche tras noche, Leonel se encontraba a las 2 de la mañana pensando en la forma más rápida de salir de aquel moridero que no le permitía ser quien él era.

Era todo. Aceptó el trabajo para el que lo recomendó el alcalde anterior, porque luego de haber trabajado a destajo por casi cinco años y habiendo adquirido responsabilidades económicas serias cuando trabajó en la fundación creada por el mismo, tratando de salvar el mundo, no le quedaba de otra que sucumbir a la tentación de ganar todo el dinero que significaba ser la ficha clave del alcalde, el que manejaba los hilos de aquel pueblo lleno de rumores y secretos a voces.

Para la niña Ada no era ningún secreto la verdadera razón de las aflicciones de Leonel, las sabía desde que Isaac Gallón había descubierto a su hijo a la edad de cuatro años jugando con las muñecas de una prima que las había dejado olvidadas por error en el cuarto del niño. No fue el único episodio que confirmó los temores de Ada. Luego del incidente con las muñecas, Mauricio Gallón, el único hijo que tuvo Isaac, al menos con la niña Ada, se volvió sumamente sagaz y nunca permitió que su padre lo sorprendiera andando en “malos pasos” como solía decir, pero se relajaba mucho más cuando estaba bajo la tutela de la niña Ada, hasta el punto que más de una vez ella lo sorprendió tocándose con uno de sus compañeros de clase en el cuarto. Pero Ada jamás previno a su hijo o le dio motivos para que él le ocultara sus verdaderas preferencias, incluso cuando era demasiado evidente lo que hacía Mauricio en su cuarto, donde los quejidos de placer eran tan sonoros que hasta en las casas vecinas se lograba escuchar. No bien se graduó Mauricio del colegio, cuando Ada lo alejó definitivamente del peligro de su padre, enviándolo a Barranquilla y prohibiéndole terminantemente que se apareciera en el pueblo, sin su autorización. Fue la primera vez que Ada le exigió algo a su hijo y él supo de inmediato que ella hablaba en serio, cuando le puso las cartas sobre la mesa y lo dejo en libertad de vivir su vida lejos de aquel pueblo miserable, con la condición de nunca jamás volviera a poner un pie allí.

Mauricio cumplió. Nunca regresó al pueblo. Ni siquiera cuando su padre murió y la misma Ada se encargó de enterrar lo más pronto posible y dentro de la más estricta privacidad al marido que tanta mala vida le dio, todo con el fin de que a nadie se le ocurriera preguntar por qué Mauricio Gallón no había ido a enterrar a su padre.
Fue en aquella época, luego de enviudar cuando la niña Ada empezó a tener inquilinos en su casa; muerto el marido y desterrado el hijo para siempre de aquel lugar, los días de soledad en aquella casa eran interminables y decidió que si bien sus decisiones la habían condenado a estar sola, también podía darle la vuelta a la hoja.

El primer inquilino fue Mario. Mario trabajaba como profesor en una vereda cercana y parecía que hasta le agradaba el pueblo y vivir en casa de la niña Ada, hasta que un día luego de tres años, Mario llegó dando brincos de felicidad porque lo habían trasladado a Sincelejo, le dio un beso formal a Ada, empacó sus cosas y nunca se supo más de él.
Luego vino Oscar David, el muchacho inquieto de cabello lacio, que le dio más dolores de cabeza a Ada que su propio hijo, por primera vez la señora tuvo que espantarle las amantes a un hombre en aquella casa, recibir visitas de mujeres anónimas y presenciar peleas de gatas en frente de su propia casa. Mucho peor cuando Oscar David perdió el interés en las muchachitas solteras y empezó a interesarse en las casadas, entonces las cosas se pusieron peor, cuando los maridos celosos se aparecían en la puerta de la casa gritando a voz viva que iban a matar al muchacho. Ada siempre supo cómo manejar la situación, y protegió a Oscar David hasta el día en que uno de los tantos maridos que iba a reclamarle, soltó un disparo que impactó el viejo televisor de madera que Isaac Gallón le regaló para que ella pudiera ver las telenovelas venezolanas que tanto le gustaban.

Al día siguiente Ada llevó a Oscar David ella misma a Barranquilla y habló con la madre del muchacho, que de Ingeniero explorador de pozos de gas, pasó a niño regañado, y peor, no por una, sino por dos mamás por portarse mal.

Una vez finalizado el asunto con Oscar David, Ada se dirigió a casa de Mauricio, que en realidad era un apartamento que tenía alquilado en un edificio a unas diez cuadras al norte de la Catedral. Se presentó sin ningún anuncio, llegó en un taxi y con la dirección escrita en una agendita de mano que sujetaba firmemente y que le mostró al taxista que le llamó la mamá de Oscar David para que la llevara sin que corriera peligro.

-Es que hay mucho vivo, doña – fue lo único que le dijo el taxista cuando ella le preguntó el porqué de tanta minucia para tomar un taxi.

Ada llegó a la puerta del edificio, cuya dirección era la misma que ella tenía anotada y que Mauricio le había dictado en una de las escasas llamadas telefónicas que sostenía con su hijo.

-Busco a Mauricio Gallón- le dijo al conserje cuando este le preguntó amablemente que necesitaba.

-¿Quién lo necesita? – preguntó el de nuevo.

-Dígale que su mamá.

No habían pasado dos minutos desde que el conserje llamó al apartamento cuando Mauricio bajó en pantaloneta y en una camiseta sin mangas, que para colmo tenía al revés. Mauricio abrazó a su mamá quien hizo un gesto extraño como si algo le hubiese molestado, la llevó por la escalera al apartamento tratando de hablar de cualquier cosa mientras llegaban, pero era obvio que Mauricio estaba nervioso y solo estaba tratando de parecer jovial, cuando la verdad estaba asustado.

Luego tratando de adivinar la llave, entró al apartamento. Ada se había imaginado de todo antes de entrar, desde imágenes de sadomasoquismo salvaje hasta escenas de pornografía extrema, pero lo que vio cuando entró fue un apartamento limpio, cómodo y al fondo un hombre sin camisa, tratando de cocinar el almuerzo. Era Leonel.
Era demasiado obvio que Leonel y Mauricio eran más que amigos. La casa estaba llena de retratos de los dos, en lugares que Ada solo había visto en revistas, en viajes de los que su hijo nunca le habló. Pero nunca le recriminó nada. Habló más con Leonel durante el almuerzo y se mostró interesada en su próximo grado como abogado y de cómo en su pueblo se necesitaba alguien como él, solo entonces descubrió que su hijo no se había graduado en casi siete años desde que salió a estudiar y razonablemente pidió una explicación.
Nunca hubo un silencio más prolongado e incómodo que aquel, pero Ada no se molestó simplemente salió de aquel apartamento y se fue por donde vino. Nunca más le envió un peso a Mauricio y en la nota que le envió con sus recuerdos más preciados de infancia le expresó que su bien él era y seguiría siendo su hijo, nunca más volviera a contar con ella, que recordara su compromiso de no volver jamás al pueblo y que si quería discutir sobre los bienes dejados por su padre, que ella se entendería directamente con Leonel a quien recibiría con gusto en el pueblo.
Fue una trampa. Leonel fue al pueblo con la intención de hablar por Mauricio, pero en su lugar encontró una reunión de varios políticos en la mesa de Ada. Ninguno se hubiese negado a un almuerzo con ella luego de los servicios que ella prestó cuando la “enfermedad del mono” atacó al pueblo, alojando en su casa a los enfermos hasta que todos sanaron y regresaron a casa. Era evidente que Ada tenía una intención con aquel almuerzo, Leonel casi que olvidó el motivo de su viaje hablando de todo un poco con el alcalde de ese entonces, varios concejales y hasta con el jefe de policía local. Al finalizar el almuerzo ya tenía varias propuestas para venir a trabajar al pueblo.
Leonel regresó a Barranquilla con un documento firmado por Ada donde ella le reintegraría el dinero al que Mauricio tenía derecho por ley, con una cláusula que le impedía tocarlo hasta que terminara una carrera universitaria.

Así comenzó todo, Mauricio regresó a la universidad donde inició la carrera de Administrador de Empresas, abandonando la vida que tenía hasta entonces como escritor de blogs de viajes y fotógrafo amateur, Leonel se dividió entonces entre su trabajo como defensor de casos de personas con escasos recursos y el trabajo a destajo en la alcaldía de aquel pueblo.

Entonces Leonel ya parecía más hijo de Ada, que el propio Mauricio, le ayudó con los contratos de las tierras de Isaac Gallón, la acompañaba a misa, y hasta le preparaba comidas cuando iba al pueblo, pero jamás tocaron el tema de Mauricio.
Hasta que Leonel recibió la invitación del alcalde recién electo y las deudas adquiridas por él y por Mauricio en los tres años que habían pasado desde que Ada dejó de mandarle dinero, lo obligaron a él a aceptar.

Así estaban las cosas dos años después, cuando Leonel despertó aquella mañana. La niña Ada había mandado a lavar las cortinas por alguna razón que ya había olvidado y revisando los baúles viejos de la casa había encontrado los manteles viejos que había puesto en la ventana para que no le fuera a dar el sol de la mañana. Apenas despertó se levantó, como siempre con el pie derecho a la derecha de la cama.

Sonó el teléfono. Entonces recordó que era sábado y que el alcalde nunca llamaba antes de las ocho, y menos un fin de semana. Era un número desconocido, pero decidió posponer la llamada para darse una ducha rápida. No tardó más de cinco minutos. Cuando terminó de cambiarse vio el celular. Diez llamadas pérdidas. Algo andaba mal, en definitiva. Salió del cuarto a la cocina para desayunar, mientras trataba de llamar al número desconocido que no contestaba, se rindió y no volvió a marcar más. La niña Ada no estaba en la cocina, ni en la sala, ni en ninguna parte de la casa, pero si le pareció extraño que la puerta estuviera abierta de par en par cuando Ada a esa hora dejaba la puerta entreabierta. 

Algo andaba mal. Cuando salió a la calle, vio a la vecina a la “seño” Esther hablando con su hermana y pareció que cuchicheaban más cuando lo vieron salir.
-Disculpe seño Esther ¿Usted vio salir a la niña Ada?-preguntó ya un poco nervioso.
-Sí, mijo, ella salió porque la vino a buscar la policía-dijo la solterona.
-¿La policía? ¿Para qué? –volvió a preguntar más asustado ahora.
-La llevaron a la variante, para que reconociera un cuerpo Leo, parece que hubo un accidente.

Leonel no terminó de escuchar el cuento cuando salió disparado a la variante, que era como conocían a la vía que conducía a Sincelejo, ¿quién podía haberse accidentado que llamaron precisamente a la niña Ada para que reconociera el cuerpo? Vio a un muchacho en una moto que le pitó viéndolo caminar de prisa.

-Llévame a la variante- dijo Leonel.
-Vale mil quinientos- dijo el muchacho.
-Dale, hombre- dijo Leonel ahora más molesto que asustado.
Ya llevaba tres cuadras cuando recordó que no había cerrado la puerta.
-La niña Ada me va a matar- se dijo a sí mismo.
Le pidió al muchacho que lo llevara a la casa de nuevo y efectivamente había dejado la puerta abierta, se bajó rápidamente y la cerró. Se subió de nuevo a la moto que salió veloz hacía el destino que Leonel había indicado.
No tardó más de tres minutos en llegar, esperaba que hubiese más gente, pero en efecto una moto se veía tirada en el piso, y a un costado un muchacho de la misma edad del que había traído a Leonel siendo asistido por un mujer vestida de enfermera, quejándose cada vez que esta le tocaba la herida que tenía en la frente.
Y al fondo, la van. Estaba hecha pedazos, había chocado contra un muro que aún tenía los nombres del alcalde de la campaña anterior. Leonel alcanzó a escuchar, mientras le pagaba al muchacho de la moto, que la moto había cerrado a la van, cuando venía otro camión y la van se tuvo que abrir, pero no alcanzó a frenar y se estrelló con toda velocidad contra el muro publicitario.
Caminó unos pasos cuando vio a la niña Ada. Estaba sentada llorando sobre el cuerpo del muchacho blanco y delgado, con el que Leonel soñaba todas las noches y con el que el aparecía en tantas fotos, en tantos viajes pagados por la fortuna en decadencia de Isaac Gallón. Era Mauricio.

Tenía en la mano, agarrado con todas sus fuerzas, el diploma de Administrador de Empresas que le había prometido a la niña Ada. Tenía una sonrisa en los labios, le alcanzó a pedir perdón a su mamá por decepcionarla y por no haber avisado que iba a llegar ese día.

-Les quería dar la sorpresa- dijo con mucho esfuerzo.

La niña Ada no pudo pronunciar palabra, Leonel agarró la mano de Mauricio mientras esta lentamente perdía su fuerza y mientras la mirada se le apagaba poco a poco. La niña Ada entonces le tomó las manos a los dos y se las unión tiernamente y se las selló con un beso. Ante la mirada atónita de los policías y de los curiosos que fueron a ver el siniestro, Leonel se olvidó de todos sus miedos y de los prejuicios de aquel pueblo y sus gentes y beso tiernamente a Mauricio en los labios que ya palidecían. Le prometió que se encargaría de la niña Ada y que sería para ella, un hijo porque para el, ella ya era una madre, antes de que Mauricio cerrara los ojos para siempre en la mitad de aquel asfalto ardiente, allí, en medio de la nada.


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One Quarter

It really is the quarter of the year, and it is not easy to imagine that as much as we want the time to go by as fast as it can, because we wanna rest the weekend or maybe we want our vacations the sooner it's possible, or just because we're waiting a special date in the calender, but what we don't realize very well, or at least we seem to forget is that every single day is a unique chance, a wonderful gift, coz one day down it's one less to go, until (yes) the day we're leaving this world for good.

No matter if we believe in a heaven, in hell, reincarnation, or anything else about what happens to us after life, but the truth we know is we're here, sharing our life, and I'm kinda confused when I think what the fuck I should do with my life.

My culture (Colombian Caribbean) has taught me that life is worth living ONLY if we enjoy, the more we enjoy the better life is, but I've heard somewhere else, that wasting our bodies and life drinking, eating, and (yes) fucking, it's not the right way to go.

So here I am, confused, I think a life is worth living if you do what you like, I love enjoying my moments alone, love writting, love watching movies, love traveling, love taking pictures, and even when I'm doing those things everyday, there's nothing to stops me from doing it, even the responsabilities I got now.

So that's what I'm gonna do, keep enjoying my moments alone, keep writting, keep watching movies, keep travelling, keep taking pictures, and keep taking care of my duties, if only I could get paid from doing those things, but what the hell, not everybody got that chance, and it's not like I'm looking too much.

Well, by the way I wanna write about something very weird, there's somebody I thought was against me, for some reason, but lately I think this person is trying to get along with me, and I don't know what to expect, but, shit, it would be fucking awesome if I got the chance to...well...let's say it, to get laid, i got to do something but while ideas come to my mind, I got to look for a song to fit this post. lol

Another Week To Come

Sigh! It's very, very hard to me staying here for another week, but it's not because of the town itself it's because of the chance of leaving for a few days, but leaving to stay home for a few days, and the chance of having a new adventure at home, or simply just staying in the computer blogging, watching videos or listening music. And it's exactly when those days are about to come when I feel more anxious to get there, and the days goes by so fucking slowly that the seconds seem minutes, and the minutes hours, and the hours days, and the days weeks and the weeks, months, yes that long it feels.

Well I was about to paint the room I'm taking care of but oh surprise, the painting wasn't the right one, and even the guy who was painting the place didn't show up, so it seems the room is gonna be paintless another week more, depending on what's gonna happen tomorrow, and I really, really hope so tomorrow is gonna be a really soft day, and not a hard one, because I'm not in the mood to care that much tomorrow, I've been lazy, and my support to create the guide to work won't be here so I'm gonna be on my own, pretty much.

And in other completely different news, I just watched a tv show about Russia, definitely one place to go before I die, I'd really like to go there one day and see with my own eyes the snow, the forests, feel the cool with my own skin, I really like cold places, and I do want to live for a long term in a cold place, now it's like impossible to do it, but maybe sooner than I think I'm gonna be free to do it, and about the visa, well that leaves me with no options. But you never know, life is kinda tricky you know, and things never happen the way we expect, so I have to wait and see how the things go.

Nothing is eternal, I have to say, maybe we have a job today, a life, a room, but next one we may be going somewhere else, and maybe like is more interesting that way, if things were eternal, every decision would be a   chain we had to carry forever. That's why I think life is more interesting when we're unsure of about to come, but on the other hand, being so quiet as I am, I don't go for it. Maybe I'm lucky to be here, even when things seem to go hard and horrible somedays, but what comforts me is the fact I'm not hurting me.

It's time to make some choices, and that's why I need my free days at home, to think and to do, but we have to wait and see first.

The Next Step To Follow

I've been alone for a while, a long while and I don't know if somehow I'm meant to be with somebody, somebody to be with me supporting me, but for some reason I think that I'm good, when they know me first, but once they get to know me, it seems they don't like me anymore. Now I'm dating someone, very weird I gotta say, not in a bad sense, weird in a way that it's someone who doesn't follow the same rules when trying to find someone to date.

Last weekend we were together spending time in a kinda risky situation...this weekend we both are here in this town. Yesterday I left after midday, I was expecting the travel, long travel from the jungle, dust, mud, water, and then rain, the rain is coming very early when it usually comes at mid april or something, it's march and it's starting to rain almost everyday. We were afraid that the rain might fuck up the travel, but it didn´t.

Some of the guys who were with me in the car are kinda funny, I wish I was so outgoing. Then after 5 hours maybe more, I got here, this house, where I'm so happy so easy, where I can find myself, away from the jungle and the consequences of being living there. It's like I never left, I was in the motorbike watching the houses and the businesses and nothing feels different, everything feels the same.

Then I wanted to update my cellphone, but I couldn't so I decided to go to the mall and watching a movie, with my date, so we were, mistake number one, the movie sucked, sanctum, please, mistake number two, we didn't have a plan to be together that night. I like being in this house sleeping here, I didn´t want to be away from here, you know?

So no plans to fuck, no plans for the night, I wasn't in the mood for beer or alcohol, so what was next? go back home to sleep, so then I woke up this morning, I did some laundry and finally I could update my phone, it was like discovering America, I learnt a lot of things, and I got the app I was looking for my phone, though I want to change it, a change for an Android, the only bad thing is no PIN :( I was getting used to it.

About my friend, he accepted me back on BBMsn, I congratulated him for his graduation, but I understand he doesn't wanna see me yet, but I wanna insist, maybe someday we can talk together, and made things up.

I got some of the stuff I needed, and again it's like money was an illusion but I gotta keep on with it. maybe saving some, maybe making a plan, but I want some things I need, though I know those things won't make me happy, experiences are, and being in the jungle itself is an experience, the only thing is I want to be able to fit better, and do my job better, last week there was my enemy trying to throw the dirt on me, he's powerful, it's gonna be hard, almost impossible to beat him, but let's see what's coming.

And again it's interesting how some people want to contact you just because you have something they may use, but I´ve grown up and I'm not the same, I think that the boy and the teenager are behind, it's time to be a man.

Alcohol, Roads and Scary Stories

Yes, I'm gonna talk about alcohol, coz yesterday I was just so fucking thirsty that I just wanted a cool and icy beer, and oh sorprise I got caught in the middle of a reunion and they offered me beer and alcohol, just for free, so when it was time for lunch I could scape...barely...but that wasn't all, yesterday was one of the ladies of the house's birthday and so everybody was expecting a night party... I wanted to workout and I couldn't the drinks got me and  I had to come back, just ready for the party, I tried to delay but it was absolutely impossible, I had to be there, and yes I was bored, I laughed coz you now drinks tell you're brain is happy but for some reason my brain refused to believe it, just abut three hours later I went to my bed to sleep, and I prevent my room to be opened from outside, smart hah?

Well, today was another day and there was bad news, no modem, I was gonna spend a boring day, but thanks to the sister of the birthday lady I got a modem, and I could use it all morning long, and write something for my blog, now I've been away from home for two fucking weeks and there are two more to go now, the land road was reopened and it's gonna be a little bit cheaper traveling, but I had no patience and I spent my money at the begining of the month and here I am, I'm coming back home in March, and the worst news is the water is getting me again, I can't believe pain again...I hate pain.

And the last...scary stories it seems the flocklore here is very rich, lots of stories of witches, ghost, and mixed with guerrilla and haunted houses...it's not hard to have an idea...and to finish drinking is not good if you want to workout, today I couldn't finish properly...just to have in mind...and now I'm hearing a kid have a heartache, well 3 minutes to go.

Zauberspruch

Maldiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiita sea, aveces pienso que soy el tipo más idiota estúpido y además de todo ignorante de todo el mundo. Tal como me dijo mi mamá alguna vez "un tipo que ha estudiado tanto como tu, como puede ser tan bruto", bueno en esa ocasión creo que tenía mucha razón en sentirse así...pero volviendo al tema, la cuestión es ¿por qué soy tan bruto?

Si, only a motherfucker idiot may possible think that levantarse con el pie derecho hará mejor que tu día than doing it with the left foot, Ja, it sounds stupid, o solamente es que yo soy muy tonto, pero si soy así, me siento peor que María Cecilia Botero, con toda esa sarta de estupideces que hace cuando inicia un proyecto de acuerdo a los chismosos de sweet. Cada cosa que hago o dejo de hacer parece que estuviera ligada al hecho de que me va a ir bien o me va a ir mal al día siguiente.

Sometimes it's like, you know just writting in my fucking blog may bring me bad luck, or well, working very early in the morning brings me real good luck, yes, that's me and I´m that stupid, or thinking once, that reading the Bible brings me bad luck and stop reading it brings me brand new good luck....please, it's like my mind is infected with a lot of crap, if only I could delete all those bites of useless information, if only, I don´t know if I'm a fucking lucky man, or what but, like everybody else in the world, I like good things happening to me, and when I realize that having sex or not having sex is making my days worst or better, then is when I think I need help.

I might sound crazy but that´s what I am, I think too much, I have tons of free time, wait no, I have tons of time I should invest in making my work best, and maybe that little things are what making my days worst or better, not the simple facts that sleeping with my head south or north-oriented, and also I need to have an spiritual connection, and it seems that sometimes work. I've learned as a child that supersticions are something evil, if only I could get rid of them I would be happier, easier. I need to stop, well at least is not drugs like some of my former twitter friends I talked about in a previous post, and other news, it seems my friend got a weird interest in getting his former lover back, he forgave, but not me, well the hell, the fuck with him, he never was my friend, and actually I never thought it was gonna last, that seudo-friendship we used to have, again, after talking about luck and former friends I'm hungry and well I have to go.

Wow!

(To somebody I like)

Wow, now it feels like OMG I'm a fucking teenager all over again, I hadn't felt this way in like what, 12 years? yes it's like I'm a teen again, when I was fourteen I fell for someone, I never felt that way before, I just couldn't stop seeing and yes it was useful for mental fuel, a lot of nights, once I got to touch, and it was amazing, all my heart beat and yes I wanted it, my hormons wanted me to do it, but I was completely sure nothing was gonna happen, it was absolutely impossible, just like now.

I'm on my way to my 30s with no way back, but feeling this it's like OMG this is what I want to feel, this presure, this urgency, this need, this is what I need to feel, this what makes me feel alive, the desire, just to watch is better than anything else, if only I could have this, and satisfy my hunger. but there's no way. It's too dangerous , but sometimes I feel it worths the risk, any risk, God it's like wanting to eat, drink and breathe someone, everything at the same time. And abstinence doesn't help. If only I could, if only I'd know. But everything is in the dark, I just want to know, just wanna have one more chance, a second, a minute, an hour, where and when it all will be sweat, but fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk it's not posible.

At least I can dream, and in my thoughts you've done all that I want and more, you're not perfect or gorgeous, but God you're so sex, so fucking sex, the one who invented that word was thinking about you, damn it, God,  it's exciting just remember you, at least I know you're leaving anytime soon, and you have no fucking idea I'm lurking ya, and that everything in me is touched when I see you. Feeling like a teenager, but now I'm an adult, a man, and I know what's the next step and if only, if only you could gimmie a sign, just one I'll go for it. Trust me.

Meanwhile, you're gonna be with me, at night even when you don't realize you're actually there.

Every Single Day...

Every single day in this place looks exactly the same: waking up very early in the morning, gotta take my soap and my stuff to take a "shower" while it's still dark, I say "Good Morning" to the landlady and then I start thinking about how the hell I got here, meaning fuck, I was abroad when it turned out I had to be working here, then I try to clean the dirty I got in the night.

Then, I go to my room, where I dress up, I see all my clothes hanging from a rope, and it loosk like my life is so tiny that it´s  in that small and simple room, with no luxury, and that´s just me, brushing and washing my teeth, but I´m not sure why I should be taking care of me, I don´t wanna look hot in here, it´s maybe I had so nice things to do, that begging that my toothpaste and my washing can actually get whiter can actually being something real cool.

I´m dressed up and then I have to go for breakfast, it´s a simple food, and as usual, when I´m done having my breakfast I have to go...then I´m walking in the street, 4 blocks to the place I have to spend 6 hours, it doesn't look like that much, when you´re going to stand people, and not to work in something you may like, it looks like you´re going down to hell, when I get the door, I remember the first time I got here, I was happy, I had hope, it wasn´t that horrible then, I had something to lie on, something to be faithful to, I had a life, back there where somebody was there for me, ready to do whatever to have with them.

I walk inside and then, it´s usual laugh and pain, both sides, but tha laugh is like there´s nothing else to do but laugh, just go for it, and then facing what I don´t wanna face, but it´s not that I might not like doing what I do, it´s just some of them are so reluctant to grow...that it gets me, it hurts me, it fucking drains my energy and my will.
And, for instance...given the fact I´m gonna stay here for a month is not helping, every single time I want to feel kinda good I have to go to Sincelejo because here, here there´s absolutely nothing I might like, it´s so fucking far away from everywhere, that it´s not like I want to be there all the time, and I wanna run even though it´s gonna be a hard and long way...maybe someday I´d like to run it by foot, lol, maybe it´s not that hard or not that long.

If things were so easy...when I leave this place, I have like 30 or 45 minutes to be online, and then go back to have my lunch, and then it´s work, work, work, or working out, and it sucks my energy in every possible way but somehow I know it´s good to me...then back to dinner, watching some TV, maybe listening music, then more work and finally when I go back to my hammock, I´m thinking the day is going to repeat all over and over again, and that maybe I´m not gonna have the energy to hold on...or maybe, just maybe I am.

Drei Dinge

Yes, there are three things I can´t stop thinking about lately:

1) This place and a prison is exactly the same, lately:

Wow, when I got here I came in a motorcycle and I spent like three hours in this place before I left for Sincelejo, the road was easy, but lately, fuck it´s like I´m in a place like alcatraz, I had to spend  almost the 20% of my salary only in transportation, it´s not fair, the land road is horrible, and dusty and no cars can run through it, so I decided taking chances and take that road last Friday, it wasn´t great but I could take it with absolutely no problem, no everybody is talking about the cars are going to be able to take the road, but I´m not that optimistic, no I´m not..

2) I have to see the motherfuckings again:

Yes my enemy number one in this town, which is not a single person, but a bunch of people, they´re back to screw my sort of quietness in this town, I really hate this but at least I got a plan and I think (while I´m writting this) I´m gonna do something real fast to finish this, or at least to fucking reduce them, I have to act fast and now...I think I will have to work twice harder now, it´s good I think, but God it´s fucking hard to think about it over and over and over again, now that this year seems to be LESS horrible than last year, what should I do? I got some plans to think about....

3) The way my feelings work:

Sometimes I´m afraid my feelings are kind of weird, yes, because for instance I lost somebody I had in great esteem lately he decided ending our friendship because he think he´s morally superior to me, please, I don´t need to be praying every single day of my life in a church in front of a golden icon so I can be easy....it seems he´s that fucking issued...having in mind he´s NOT that innocent, he´s not and if he decided that´s the way it goes it´s ok to me...that´s the same thing that happens when I fall for someone and suddenly things stop working, yes it hurts one or maybe two days but then I´m ok again, I stop feeling pain, and even when I see things with longing, it´s not pain, so I have to say goodbye to him, I don´t know if we have something to do together in the future...but it´s not my fucking problem, I´m gonna let it to life... and I´m not gonna fight it.

The Stones of Pain

It´s been a while since the last time I was in pain coz of damn kidney stones, yes I had kidney stones and it was too painful, very painful, two years in a roll where I was scared that maybe too much excersise, too much quietness, too much water, too much thirst, too much food, too much hunger may bring the fucking pain back. One guy I met several months ago, allowed me to see the records from the hospital I used to go when I was suffering too much, and it was 23 times plus another one in another hospital. To summarize I was about one time a month going to the E.R. so somebody could help me to stop that motherfucker pain, an indescriptible and excruciating pain, one time it lasted more that 24 hours.

So much pain, cruel and excruciating, it was draining my energy and will to go on, I had to quit one job one time because of that fucking pain, and I have to say, the only one who was there to support me was my dad, thank God he did it, because I wasn´t willing to go on or move being in risk of getting the pain any moment, anywhere.

Thanks to my Dad, he paid the surgery, I got the stone out and now, well I´m fine but shit, I know that my body suffering two years, there must be scars inside, I don´t know if my kidneys are working that great, or it´s just my mind playing games, but I feel sometimes I lost something, something I'm gonna need when I´m older, but at least now I´m painless. And that´s why I´m willing to accept that my life as it is now, it´s not that bad, after all and I have to thank God and my family for being there to support me, and it´s true I love them, and I just don´t know or I don´t understand what´s the best way to show them. It´s a long way to go now.

Kinda Tired

Today I feel kinda tired...it´s weird because as I usually sleep very early I don´t feel tired at all, but last night I was talking with some people til late night about the town when the violence was red hot. But that´s not all, every single day that goes by I feel more tired, seeing the same people, the same kids, the same laziness, even mine.

I decided to feel tired when I wanted to get stronger, but that´s pretty much something I was really looking for and I could stand, but the other things, it´s like I was getting drained my energy, and the only thing I can do is sleeping or sending tweets and sms´s. This place is getting harder to leave, not because I´m feeling any attachment feeling towards it, but to leave this motherfucker place I would have to spend a lot of money, money I need to do things I do like, and I do like a lot.

And with me feeling tired, the cost of transportation, to make the trifecta, I think the water is getting to me, and I´m not feeling that well. I should wait a couple of weeks to get some things I need to see if maybe, just maybe I can remain healthy in this land God forgot so long ago.

But at least in the conversation, last night I got an idea for a brand new story, maybe it would require more investigation, but it´s not like it´s impossible to do, I´m gonna do it, well maybe I feel motivated enough to do it. Motivation, that´s all what these MF kids need and sometimes I feel powerless when there's absolutely nothing that motivates them except for video games and boyfriends...but what the hell, I gotta keep going, until what should happen will happen. And it happens, it happens a lot.

Why I should leave

Today, was a good day, until I´ve found out again the reason I wanna leave. The reason is very simple by the way. I can´t stand people thinking they´re better than they really are. And the place I work is filled with this kind of people, young people teenagers, I can understand they´re young and they wanna live and they wanna have dreams and stuff just like I once did.

But the problem is why if they come from a town in the middle of a hot jungle and they have like zero chances of leaving this fucking town, they think they´re better and they deserve more than anybody else around, that´s why I hate working with this people, I´m afraid it´s not a general situation.

I´ve been working with four teams of people, and just one, just one I see once a week is the one I hate the most, horrible, horrible girls thinking they´re beauty or thinking they´re kind of special, c´mon, and yes, the horrible missgebildete people, well pretty much just one, how can somebody so physically horrible posibly think they got something to laugh about other people.

Well, that´s the problem, because maybe they think they can laugh at me, and maybe they can, and maybe I shouldn´t allow them, but fuck them, if they don´t respect me, there´s no reason in the whole world I should respect them, but this take back to the begining the reason I don´t wanna be here in the first place. People laughing. That´s the thing I hate the most in the world and maybe one day I just would take my stuff and leave this fucking town, where everything is going to hell, where everything is so far far away, where there´s nothing good, and maybe just a bunch of people is.

That´s why I can forget I was left behind here, but as far as I can go, I´m gonna take everything that it gives to me, and well I have to give something in return, but it´s not gonna be love. I just wanna say FUCK YOU BITCHES, FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK YOU MISSGEBILDETE, FUCK YOU, and GO TO HELL.

Well, maybe I´m just waiting for the moment, the right moment for me to go, for me to leave this fucking town, once and for all and forget about all the shitty things that I´ve been through here.

VAYANSE AL INFIERNO NOJODA, PERO FRESCO QUE SI USTED LEE ESTO NO ES CON USTED JEJEJEJE.

BYE BYE

der Abstinenz

Seufzer. It is very hard for a man to stay still, when everything that cross through your mind is sex. It's been a while since the last time I had sex for the last time...well maybe like two or three weeks, but thing is it is very very difficult not to have sex. Well, when you´re busy it´s easy to focus your energy in doing your things...and it´s kinda good and maybe that´s the good thing about abstinence, you got a lot of energy you can use to do things right.

But now, the negative facts. When it´s been a while since you had sex for the last time, you can easily fall in temptation, and do bad things (or sweet things) with people that after you're finished you will regret. On the other  hand if you chose the right person, someone who cares about you, even when it's not a girlfriend or a lover, it's totally ok. But it's important to have in mind that maybe somewhere, somebody is the right one for you to fuck, not to love, because I´ve found Love is such a complicated thing that it´s not likely to find in short term.

I´m afraid Love is related to the biochemistry of our brains, and so, our chemistry so maybe waiting for somebody the right time, maybe it would make you love somebody. Or maybe Love is not related to Fuck, or maybe for some people it is.

Now, I know it's gonna take weeks for me to leave this town, so I´m gonna be an abstinent for a while, but maybe there´s is someone, out there, who deserves I stay still...but it´s hard I know, I gotta focus on the things I should be doing, the gym (where I suck) or the school (where I suck too) anyway time is the only thing that doesn't stay still and that is a blessing for all of us who are waiting for something to happen.

Wo ist Deutschland?

¿Es una locura querer aprender otro idioma? Mucha gente como mi papá alguna vez lo ha pensado...pues ¿para que dedicarle tiempo, esfuerzo y dinero a aprender otra forma de comunicarse si ya poseemos una? pues la respuesta creo que es más que obvia: en este mundo cada vez más inter-conectado, hablar varias lenguas multiplica tus posibilidades de salir adelante.

That's why is important speaking several languages, and now I think I'm fluent in two different languages: English and Spanish, but I'm desperate to speak a third and maybe a fourth languages, and my target for a third language is German. The most interesting thing about German is that it's not related with Latin, and that's why it's not as easy as Portuguese or Italian for a spanish speaker. It's not like I think Portuguese or Italian are easy, but when I'm reading some text in those languages I can understand like the 90%. It's no the case in German, it's a challenge.

Deutsch ist eine großen language. Es ist kompliziert, aber Ich will lernen. Es ist die  Tür zu anderen Sprachen. 


Bueno, si no soy un as en Alemán, tengo poco vocabulario y la gramática es complicada pero quien sabe si algún día de estos los sorprendo con un post en alemán.


Bueno creo que he decidido cual va a ser mi cuarto lenguajes: Francés. Digamos que hay motivación. Vas-y.

Save something from yourself

Traveling to Montería having so few hours before coming back to this point lost in the map, was a risky decision. Having in mind all what could go wrong, it is like a miracle that everything came up so great, that as far it's my best trip of the year and I was in Medellin this year.

I arrived late, like 5 pm and I had someone waiting for me, that´s why the first thing I did was getting something for them. The Iced-tea that leaded us to meet, and the usual chocolate...then the phone rang, it was them...they were across the street with somebody else, I was feeling uncomfortable, but I remembered I had talked to their companion, and it was a really cool person, lovely, caring... anyway but for some reason I was feeling not that easy.

I crossed the street and yes, i was afraid, they had told me I looked so different in my facebook pics that it was hard to tell how I'd look face to face...and well... I crossed the street, and I could see them both, it was weird. Then we decided to hang out for a while and things got easier, but I´m not that cool when meeting people for the first time, but I didn´t wanna look like that, so I tried to talk, and having the girl by my side was real helpful.

Then, real cool things happening, but the top moment of the night was when I was told -in british accent by the way- "you´re a giver, but you should´t be, SAVE SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF" and that was the best advice I´ve got in years I think, maybe I want to please other people instead of me, but maybe that´s the problem, once I´ve given everything, I´m not interesting anymore.

I had to say that discussing with my best friend the same day wasn´t helping that much, I was distracted, and I didn´t want to look distracted...but thank God, I called him and we´re friends again. Waking up was hard, i knew I had to go back to Sincelejo, but I didn´t know it was gonna be that way. I didn´t wanna go, I wanna spend more hours, lying there, feeling the way I was feeling, but duty calls, and I have a responsability even when it´s not the kind of responsability I'd like to have... and then sleeping the whole way to Sincelejo, and being the messenger for people in this town didn´t leave anytime to rest, and then the whole way to this place, again, in the middle of nowhere, far way from the things and people I care about. It´s very hard. I got dreams.

Poisoned Tweets

Not everybody you meet in Twitter is good people, some months ago, just after I had to switch my previous account to the new one, I met a two characters, I thought they lived in the same town I live, or I used to live since I'm now in this lost spot on the map. Well I met these two characters and so, it was cool.

But then I made the serious mistake of following friends of one of this two characters, so I started to talk more often with one, let's call them MA, MA, just like me is a BB user so we shared PINs and we started some kind of friendship, very cool in the begining and even there was plans for meeting and partying together, he even asked for my CV, which now I considered a mistake from me sending it to them just right over.

In some point, MA had the confidence (or the impudence) to confess that they used to consume drugs, and not one kind of drug but a wide range of very dangerous drugs, since that day nothing was the same, and after several weeks of silence, they just stopped following me, deleted me from their BBM and it was like we never met. Something I really hate it's people leaving with no explanation, but maybe for this wrong and damaged people they just don't need reasons, they're screwed up.

Well, weeks later feeling lonely in this real jungle, I decided to create another blog with an attached twitter account to talk about stuff I don't want anybody to relate it to me, well I used the database of people in my main twitter acount and the MB the second friend, showed up, it seems they were so horny about my avatar that they felt interested enough to keep sending DMs to me. I fell in the same trick, it was a huge mistake, we started talking by Gtalk, but it seems I released too much info, and they caught me.

It seems they were happy to let me go, but I knew from a very good source that MB was in the same path than MA, drugs, alcohol, cigarrets, and for some reason I think they got some kind of joke about me, well it's not like I care because I know I'm not gonna be in their way or they in my way never, I just want God can help them to get out of that life full of hurtful things, this post is the last time I'm gonna talk about them because they don't deserve anything from me, not my time or my energy. I hope they have enough drugs to go on.

Sorry I'm Not Perfect

It seems somebody is blaming me for everything what happened last december when we were making plans to live together somewhere else, away from this place where I'm stuck now, those was hard weeks for me I was supposed to deliver a lot of documents for the evaluation of the end of the end of the year, plus I had to consolidate the final grades for 250 students, and plus I was physically exhausted because I was not feeling healthy those days.

But it seems that somebody who wasn't doing nothing better than sleeping,eating and going to swim, decided I had nothing better to do that finding apartments in Bogotá, and I guess he thought I had the whole time in the world because I used to spend time tweeting, which I used to do to relax, and I did it from my phone, I actually tried to find an internet station where I could be searching, but a) it was really fucking hard to find an internet station in this jungle and b) I have absolutely no experience finding apartments.

After 9 months where we were supposed to wait to be together, it seems this "somebody" decided that waiting for me was not right and flew away, the same day I was supposed to come back to my home, and I was gonna be free, but somobody didn't think about it. Later somebody said that it was an issue about pills, because taking a subsititute for Prozac was getting into their system. Ok, again I can't trust somebody who uses Prozac to avoid depression, please, Prozac? Seriously? There's something wrong about somebody here and it's not me.

I'm guessing somebody feels so bad about his body and his looks that needs pills to avoid feeling "miserable", again that's not the kind of person I need by my side, specially when for me looks it's not such a fucking big deal.

Well, life is interesting and when somebody leaves, others come and they have a lot more to offer than a poisoned body and soul. Sorry, but that's the truth. And also, using a friend of mine to show they're right, don't insult my intelligence, more when with a simple phone call I could tell that was a fucking lie. I'm not saying I had no responsability for anything, maybe I should stop all this crazyness on time, but sorry I can't be perfect.

Nothing Important Happened Today (Or Yesterday)

Yesterday was pretty much a regular, lame day, I was actually looking for  a plan to access internet from home, but it was useless, it seems there's no good plan without attachments for a fucking year...plus I was looking for a gym but for some reason there was no way I could meet the guy there, so I couldn't find out for a good way to lose the extra pounds I got... plus I was failing in my new year new moto "Don´t be lazy, work harder" yes and because of that, it was matter of time that my blackberry fell to the floor and just as I tweeted, it hurted more than a renal colic, there's no TV in the place where I live so my afternoons are pretty much very boring, and without the internet, it's very hard to do something useful, even when I should be working in the stuff I'm gonna do in the weeks to come. Also I found that my sleeping is fucked up, I should stop doing things that hurt me like eating at night, cause then I´m waking up all night and then in the morning I feel kinda tired. So, it´s going to be soon the day I´m gonna have to face my fate again, I really hope it´s not gonna be that hard.

Memories from Medellín

Once you are in Medellin, you feel different, and the feeling as the days goes by is "Hell, this is another world", I couldn´t stop recalling a sentence from Jorge Franco in his masterpiece Rosario Tijeras about people from the hills going to downtown in Medellin and comparing the experience with going to Miami, and I have to say the guy is fucking right...Medellín is closer to the first world, closer than any town in Colombia I'm afraid, including Bogota. The transportation, the people, the place itself, it´s all you need to see to feel you are not in Kansas anymore.

Sorrounded by Mountains, you feel like "Oh God, I'm in some kind of bowl" but it´s a lovely bowl. For somebody like me, I think Medellin got everything I would possibly need, well now the chances for me to go living there are closer to... well zero, but never say never, I¨m not gonna stop dreaming, because by the end of the day is the only thing that allows me to escape from here.

It´s funny that I left home with my head totally screwed up by the fact I was coming back to a place that to me is pretty much like a damn fucking hell, instead of a nice place to live. But in the moment I was in the station to take the boat it was like, “Shit! It´s not that bad after all” it seems that my workmates are not part (well at least not all of them) of the dark demon that haunts me here in this purgatory.
It wasn´t a funny trip but at least they made me realize they are there to support me, and I wish they can do it this year because I´m gonna need them.
It was surprising the water is getting dry, the river around this town is fading, and yes as crazy as it might sound, that´s bad news, because there´s not gonna be any way to leave this town, coz the land road is still fucked up, meaning there some bridges broken and a lot of mud all over the path.
So, I got here, the same house, the same room, the same people, the same food, the same issues, but at least I´m more used to the things I´m doing here, consisting in taking care of the basic things, like cleaning my underwear, or keeping my room in order, things I don´t use to do in my mother´s house.
Also I have to keep drinking healthy water, because for some reason the water here makes me sick, so tomorrow is gonna be the first day in my job, I don´t know what´s coming but I hope things aren´t getting uglier so early.

And in the case that money, or time prevents me from living there, there´s always a chance to pay visit to this lovely town, where a lot of things to do and to see. Just an advice, be careful to enjoy your experience, as I said before, once in Medellin, you´re not in Kansas anymore.

The Travel

It´s funny that I left home with my head totally screwed up by the fact I was coming back to a place that to me is pretty much like a damn fucking hell, instead of a nice place to live. But in the moment I was in the station to take the boat it was like, “Shit! It´s not that bad after all” it seems that my workmates are not part (well at least not all of them) of the dark demon that haunts me here in this purgatory.

It wasn´t a funny trip but at least they made me realize they are there to support me, and I wish they can do it this year because I´m gonna need them.

It was surprising the water is getting dry, the river around this town is fading, and yes as crazy as it might sound, that´s bad news, because there´s not gonna be any way to leave this town, coz the land road is still fucked up, meaning there some bridges broken and a lot of mud all over the path.

So, I got here, the same house, the same room, the same people, the same food, the same issues, but at least I´m more used to the things I´m doing here, consisting in taking care of the basic things, like cleaning my underwear, or keeping my room in order, things I don´t use to do in my mother´s house.

Also I have to keep drinking healthy water, because for some reason the water here makes me sick, so tomorrow is gonna be the first day in my job, I don´t know what´s coming but I hope things aren´t getting uglier so early.