Achtzehn Monate

Ich bin wieder hier. In this town that I'm not feeling mine anymore, and it's like something is feeling wrong, I feel like a stranger, I don't feel easy here, everything is stressful and vain, all comes down to nothing. Last Friday I woke up at 4 am in the morning, ready to leave the fucking jungle astupind going back home. Problem is Home is not the proper word for this place, my town, my parents' house, everything is feeling absolutely strange.

The same day I barely had lunch and the responsability called my door...I need money and there's a way to get it but I'm gonna be attached to a bank for eighteen months...one year and a half, and the worst part is fuckkkkk I don't feel like getting compromises, a year and a half is a long time, anything can happen and I'm there, engaged, there's no way I could run away, away from everything that is killing me slowly, I can see it in the mirror now, I'm not eighteen anymore, I'm getting older by the day and I haven't gotten anything I could considerer meaningful, but I can choose living a life that worths living even if I'm in the jungle, or if I'm here...where my brain doesn't work properly...here I feel blocked, I have no peace, this house is not quite enough...there's noise everytime, the tv, the people, it's not a silence around and I feel stressed because of that.

Next week is gonna be important, I'm gonna be free for 10 days (or more it depends) and I wanna do some things I like, partyin, knowing new places, fuck, all those things I do like to do and that according to me makes life worth living.

Unerträglich (Away from the Sun)

Just as I thought, today was NOT an easy day. Even though it started quite well, and my boss didn't come like a demon, it was just matter of time for one of my enemies to show up. Yes, in the meeting he was just recalling not everybody was in the parades and not everybody was taking care of what we were supposed to take care, and yes it seems it's me the target, why don't they say finally that since I got here, the whole place went to hell, just say it, and maybe I decide to give up and leave this fucking town for good, at the end of the day, this is not a place I want to be in, and they're totally right when they say (not directly though) that I'm here just to earn the money, yes that's the only reason I'm here, there's no way I would be here, just in the middle of a fucking, down-to-hell jungle, in the middle of nowhere just to make best friends with anybody, which I know it won't happen...my life here is just an infinite pause of my actual life that is in fact far away from here, and I'm just borrowing my body so the actual me got a chance in the real world. That's so true.

The day could be worst, I know, but it's the constant criticism, the voices, the noise, those people, everything as a whole is a damn hell, and being away from home is not actually helping, and having in mind I HAVE to be in Sincelejo to do some things for my telephone (got issues) or my education (it's stuck) my boss decided change the rules and now I'm not leaving this fucking town on Friday, but maybe, just maybe on Tuesday which sucksssssssss as hell...

I feel lonely, no friends, no family, none supporting me, and in a permanent state of pause, this is one of those day where I wanna run, run away from here, run away, and leave this for good, I wanna cry, I'm done, it's unbearable, I hope this all hell at least gets a little bit better, and I can find if not happinnes, at least some peace.

Black Tango

I'm afraid...there's something that may hurt me real bad...but I'm scared if I dare doing something about it I may end up or dead or broken, I'm the sum of my parts, every single physical and mental part of me, that's what define me and I don't wanna quit to any of them...is a big question...to die or being alive but just half of you...tricky big question...

Well putting the dark comments aside...I wanted to write about the day I came to live in this jungle... well of course...there was a first day I got here, but of course it wasn't the day I got here to live, that's a completely different history

I thought there was an easy way to go from Sincelejo to the jungle, I was so lucky I the road was dry at that time (it was April 27th) and there were one van ready to go, expensive of course, but at least it was what I was expecting...it was a tuesday...I left Sincelejo thinking about how much my life was changing, I was in another country just a few HOURS ago, I left my voluntary job in Sincelejo and I was leaving the person I loved, leaving this country as well...fuck but this was something I got to do...taking care of me, that was something I was looking forward since I finished college, but then the kidney stones, and some other factors prevented me to do it so...but that was exactly what I was thinking when I was leaving Sincelejo.

Yes, I was traveling to the jungle, it was like 2:30 when I left, I got here like 6:45 to 7, and trust me that was FAST, I talked to my new landlady and she told me there were no rooms available for me, but she had set her nephew's house so I could live there until her houses rooms were empty...I met the nephew and some nieces, they took me there to his house in a motorbike after having dinner of course, and then they took me to an Internet room, of course it was slow as hell...and then when I was coming back to the nephew's house (where there was a baby) I saw the billboard... BLACK TANGO... it shocked me that in the middle of this hell there could be a place named in such a poetical way, well it took months before I got in there but it was enough time to realize that even in the last corner of te world, there will be things able to surprise you.

11 Tagen zu verlassen

Well, it's eleven days to leave this fucking town...well it will be eleven days if only my boss decides to keep his promises and let us go next week...but you never know he may change his mind in the last minute, well that depends on the moon, as far as I know.

Today I learned that actually there was a party this weekend ... and I didn't attend 'cause I heard in the mass last friday there was no party for this weekend but within two weeks, well it was ok..I understand that actually I'm not that party boy...but at least I could attend and eat, total and absolute fail...and the alcohol...so fucking fail.

But well, I used this weekend to complete part of the second fourth of the year and I just have to make the reports, sigh....well today it was a long, long day, something is wrong, I don't know if it's wrong with the computer, or if it's wrong with the wifi signal here in the school, my phone is working perfectly and it's helped me a lot not be out of the world by the weekend, but definitely something is wrong with the signal...I don't wanna look like villain, but that happened since they connect another school to our Interner service, and honestly I don't thing they can give good use of the service...you know facebook and hotmail are not exactly great use for some people for the internet.

Today I tried to take it as easy as I could...but again is hard, hard to stand some people that evidently don't want make any progress...they suckkk...and the worst part is they're making other people real smart and real good, really lazy, I only hope they get the fuck away from my path, they don't deserve anything coming from me...and I'm getting tired of playing the clown...is there any chance for me to succeed in this career? more when I'm planning to join a post-graduated course, that is actually kind of expansive...is this a good way to go? is it a good move? so many questions come to my head and I don't know the answers, I can't foretell what's coming in one, two or three years...I just wanna succeed and do things I like to do, at least I'm doing it on my own, and I'm not depending on anybody.